On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
