yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
