You're completely useless in the revolution.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
