i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
