Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
