I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
