What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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