I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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