i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
