I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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