I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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