She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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