i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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