apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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