You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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