Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
