I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
