If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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