I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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