I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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