So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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