you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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