i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
