meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
