you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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