don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
