Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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