Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We left the knife in your bed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
