I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize