My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
