How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
