tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have feelings that need drinking.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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