I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
