I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize