I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
a search helicopter?!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
