Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
