Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
