Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
