If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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