just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
And then my night got REAL pukey
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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