watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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