John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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