All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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