listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
