I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
