I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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