tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
