there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
