i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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