the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
