when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
