I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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