i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
