well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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