Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ketchup is God's man juice
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
