That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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