I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
