just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
