There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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