He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize