the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
