She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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