Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
