dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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